Methods of Disciplining

10/22/2015

Welcome back to Taylor Talks!

Tonight, I have the pleasure of addressing a really important question from one of my frequent readers, Pam. To read Pam's full question, you can see her comment on my post from last night.

Pam is currently going to PRIDE classes (Parents' Resources for Information, Development, and Education), which are classes to help in becoming a foster parent. Here is the most important part of Pam's comment, which explains what she was taught at these classes.

"We were given the scenario of a family planning an outing to the ice cream shop. However, Child B misbehaved and needed a consequence. So the family went on the outing but Child B was allowed to watch while all his siblings and parents got the ice cream while Child B did not. Our instructor even went so far as to say that even if the family had not planned an outing, once Child B misbehaved, they would plan an outing so that Child B could see the others getting rewarded for their good behavior while Child B went without."

Pam wanted to know what I thought of this method of discipline, and how my parents have handled disciplining children over the years. I immediately showed Pam's comments to my mom to get her opinions on the situation as well, so I'll be sharing both of our responses here tonight.

My first reaction to Pam's comment was complete shock, as was my mom's. My mom actually said that if she had been in that class, she would have stood up and left after hearing that information. I completely agree with that, because I could not even imagine being so cruel to a child just because they did something wrong.

We actually go through scenarios that cause my parents to question whether or not to hold back on discipline quite frequently. I believe I've written about this before, but my brother faces a lot of challenges in life, one of which is Oppositional Defiance Disorder, or O.D.D. He often gets himself into trouble because he cannot quite control the things that he says or the way that he acts. Because of this disorder, my parents always give him extra warnings and try to work with him to remind him that he needs to get his behavior in check, but a lot of times it ends up with him getting into trouble anyway.

Let me just say that disciplining in our house has always been based on age and ability. A three-year-old who hit someone with a toy is not going to get grounded for a week; they might be on time out for three minutes (one minute per year of age has always been the general rule here), but that's about it. This goes for all of the children who have been part of this family, whether they are struggling with something like O.D.D. or they're just overtired and misbehaving. The older you get, the harsher the consequences are, but that just means that instead of a time out, you might be grounded from television or video games for a while.

A lot of times, especially with my brother, groundings will interfere with special family events or outings that have been planned. We never cancel plans because one child is in trouble, but we never make that one child sit out because they were supposed to be grounded. I can think of a few examples off the top of my head....

In May 2014, I had this HUGE surprise party planned for my parents' 25th anniversary. A few days before, my brother got in really, really serious trouble. Was I going to cancel the party? Obviously not. Did I keep a super close eye on my brother during the party? Absolutely (I did because my parents were enjoying themselves, of course)... but my brother was still able to enjoy himself and play with cousins and have a good time. His grounding resumed the following day.
When we went to the movies the other day, my brother had gotten himself into trouble prior to us leaving the house. My parents didn't want to cancel the outing because everyone else was excited to see the movie. They also didn't want anyone else to forgo the movie experience because they needed to stay home with my brother, and since we rarely get to a movie, they wanted my brother to enjoy himself as well. So even though he was technically grounded, he got a free pass for that afternoon and got to enjoy the day with us.
My brother was also in trouble this past week and he was grounded from television. But last night, my parents wanted to sit down with all of us and watch "It's The Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown" because it's an annual tradition for us. Just because my brother was in trouble, didn't mean that my mom and dad wanted him to miss out on the fun. So he was allowed to sit with the rest of us in the living room and watch the show, even though his grounding wasn't supposed to be over until today.

Disciplining a child is never easy, but it can be especially difficult when you're part of a large family, whether or not you're an adoptive/foster family. I would definitely say that foster children should always be treated the same way any other child in your family is treated. There's always this period of transition for the foster child, when you should probably be somewhat more lenient with them as they get used to living in your house. But that doesn't mean that you just let them get away with hitting another child or something. You just go easy on disciplining for the first week or two (but explain what the rules are and what's expected) and gradually build up to your regular rules. Whether your children are temporary foster kids, biological, or anywhere in between, I don't think it's ever okay to purposefully leave one child out of an experience, no matter how much trouble they've gotten themselves into. You want the children to know that they are still loved, and it's perfectly okay to remind them that they were in trouble (and what they were in trouble for) but that you want the family to enjoy this time together so the child can be "off of grounding" for a certain period of time.

Making a child sit out and watch others having fun isn't going to benefit anyone. I mean, if you're out as a family and someone starts acting up, put them on a time out for a few minutes and show them that they need to behave so they don't miss out on all of the fun that you're having. Don't just let bad behavior go unnoticed. But there's no way that you should be isolating a child from the rest of the family, and there's definitely no way that you should purposefully plan a fun outing after a child is in trouble, just to make them feel bad. Honestly, why would you want to do that?

Pam, I hope this answered your question. I don't want to tell you what to do, but if I were in your situation, I would definitely question someone about those classes or see if there was another class I could get into instead... I can't believe anyone would be allowed to teach those disciplining methods to anyone, much less prospective foster parents. I hope other readers were able to take something important away from this post as well. I think my parents have done a pretty good job with disciplining kids over the past twenty-one (almost twenty-two!!) years, and they've only improved over time. I know everyone has their own way of doing things, but my parents have never spanked any of their children, and use the time out in the corner method, which works amazingly. You would not believe how much standing in the corner annoys kids... they usually learn pretty darn quickly not to repeat a bad behavior after being bored for five minutes in the corner!

Thanks so much again to Pam for the great question, and I hope that everyone else will not hesitate to ask me a question when you want another opinion on something, or if you'd like to know how my family has handled situations in the past!

Thank you so much for your continued support! I look forward to sharing more stories about my experience with foster care, and hopefully hearing from readers who have questions or similar stories to share. I'm always willing to answer questions and hear about other experiences! Please don't forget to like and share my Facebook author page as well!

I’d greatly appreciate it if you would share this blog with friends and family through your favorite social media sites. If you’re sharing on Twitter, don’t forget to tag me (@TayTayK02) and use the hashtag #TaylorTalks.

Thanks!
Taylor

2 Comments

Pam

10/23/2015 10:04:00 am

Thanks Taylor! I really appreciate the detailed answer from you and also your mom's comments. I was beginning to feel like I was the only one who disagreed with this instructor.

Interestingly, my youngest child who came to live with me when he was 14 months old, later diagnosed on the Autistic Spectrum, had no idea what "consequences" were. I had wrap-around services back when we lived in our home state, and the multiple therapists and psychologists who came to our house (and later his school) witnessed his inability to understand the concept of consequences for an action, any action. His ADHD (I'm supposing) kept him from thinking past the moment. If he threw a toy and was put in the corner, his little face showed only confusion. He truly had no understanding the purpose of standing in a corner, facing a wall, etc. He did not understand that standing in the corner had to do with a previous action or that standing in the corner represented a punishment. (This time period I'm describing was about five and six years old.) Even the therapists were at a loss to explain it even though they witnessed it all themselves. (Whew, cause it was beginning to make me feel like I was nuts.) Anyway, we ended up developing a safe place for him to go to (on his lower bunk of a bunk bed, with a pressure pad on his lap, toys and/or books) where he could calm down and get down when he had calmed down. Each and every time, I had to sit down with him and say: "You threw a toy, you are not allowed to throw toys. Throwing toys is "NO!" Sitting on your bed was to help you to calm down" or whatever it was he had done wrong. Even now at 15 years old, I have to sometimes explain to him, "Not allowing your brother to toss football with you makes him sad, letting him play football with you makes him happy."

I know this is an extreme case, but I am so concerned that these children coming into foster care with already low self-esteem among a myriad of other big, difficult feelings, and probably FASD, etc., will most likely not understand consequences in the beginning and now these prospective parents have learned this method of parenting.

Overall, my PRIDE class was a bust. I have learned way more from my own experiences and from reading all the blogs I do than what they taught me in the class.

Thanks again so much for your response!

Taylor Faith Krigsman link

10/25/2015 09:46:17 pm

Thank you so much for your question, Pam! It was a wonderful topic to think about, and I enjoyed speaking with my mom about it before blogging that night.

One of my twin sisters has Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD), which makes it difficult for her to understand consequences, so I definitely understand what you've dealt with. Each child is different and learns in his or her own way, and it can be tough to figure that out in the beginning. I would definitely say to listen to your gut instinct... I mean you clearly thought that there was something wrong with that instruction, and you would be right to trust yourself. Especially because you've been a parent before, you know a lot about raising kids already. Use what you know, and build upon that knowledge as you embark on this journey as a certified foster parent. I"m sure that you're going to do really well!

About

My family has been doing foster care since I was three years old. I'm the only biological child in my family, though I now have five permanent siblings. Having nineteen siblings over the course of my lifetime has been an incredible experience, and I'm hoping that by sharing some of the ups and downs of being the only bio kid in a foster family, other foster families or people looking into doing foster care will be able to learn a bit of what life can be like. I also like to share what life is like on my journey to becoming a published author, as well as where my schooling and career choice are taking me.

Methods of Disciplining

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