It's Valentine's Day, a day that should be filled with joy and love, but unfortunately today I felt anything but joyful.
Over the course of an hour, I felt like I was actually helping out for once. I'm usually pretty useless in the mornings, as I'm anything but a morning person, yet today I was doing my part to make sure we got out for breakfast on time. I got my brother and sister to get themselves dressed. I helped the twins get dressed, brush their teeth, and made sure that they went potty. Then I got my brother to do his morning chores and had my sister start brushing Twin B's hair (it was scarily knotty) while I went to get myself ready for the day. Dressed, hair, make-up, ready to walk out the door. My mom finished up the twins' morning routines with pulling their hair up and finding their socks, and then everyone piled into the car.
Well of course since today was Valentine's Day (hence the reason my mom wanted to do breakfast yesterday instead), we got to the first restaurant and found the line out the door. It was too crowded there, so we tried the next restaurant. We got there and had the exact same problem. That was when my morning went from fine to worst morning ever. I was hungry, and annoyed, and quite frankly I was angry with my siblings. But then I got mad at myself for being mad at them, which just made me even grumpier. Then my mom called me out on my bad mood, which just made everything worse.
You see, yesterday morning, when we should have been able to go out and have a nice breakfast without the crowds, my siblings created problems that prevented us from going out. The twins can never sleep in past five or six o'clock in the morning, which means that my mom is also up that early. So she was extremely tired by the time I got up a little after eight in the morning. Alright, not the best way to start the day, but I figured if I got everyone ready to go, then she'd be able to sleep a little bit before getting herself ready. So I went into the playroom to talk to the kids about getting ready, and I was met with a huge attitude from my brother. Remember how I've mentioned my brother's Oppositional Defiance Disorder? Well he takes medicine that helps to control it, but when he doesn't take it right away in the morning, then we have problems. So I told him to go take his meds and then get dressed. "I took my meds already, so mind your own business." That was the response I received. Clearly he hadn't actually done so, or he wouldn't be in such a bad mood. I tried to reason with him, but his disorder doesn't allow for reason. After a few minutes, I gave up and we all decided that we wouldn't go out to breakfast.
So today, when we couldn't get into a restaurant because of the crowds, I blamed my siblings. If only the girls had slept in a little. If only my brother hadn't argued with me. If only we had gone out yesterday and had a nice time.
But nothing went right yesterday, so nothing went right today. I went into a deep depression, snapping at my parents and retreating into my little shell. We got home, I switched into a t-shirt and hoodie, and I crawled into bed. I didn't get back up until after two in the afternoon, at which point I tried to avoid everyone. I grabbed a bagel and ate in my bedroom. I watched Netflix with my earphones in, ignoring the world.
After a while, I tried to talk myself out of the bad mood and went to apologize, but by that point I don't think that my mom really wanted to hear it. Who could blame her? So I just said that I was sorry and went back into my bedroom where I stayed for the rest of the night. I ate dinner in my room as well, and only after dinner did I emerge. I figured that the least I could do today would be to help clean up the playroom, so I went in there with the girls and tried to organize the millions of toys that were all over the floor. Once the girls went to bed, I went back into my bedroom, and I've been in here ever since.
I think that over the past few days, I had been questioning a lot about my siblings. I love each and every one of them, and I wouldn't trade them for the world, but sometimes it's really frustrating dealing with all of the disabilities in my house. I mean, between the ODD which is the worst thing in the world, the ADHD, the intellectual disability, the auditory processing issues... it's a lot to deal with. I think that's why I like being at work sometimes too, because I kind of get to escape from it all. But then I feel like the worst sister in the world because I'm being annoyed by things that none of my siblings can control. They didn't choose to have these disabilities. I firmly believe that they were placed in my house for a reason, because those phone calls to take them were like a sign from the universe saying that our family could handle this. I've learned so much from seeing what my mom deals with on a daily basis, and how each of my siblings needs to deal with school, and I think that having all of this in my family has made me a better person. But sometimes it's just a lot to deal with, and then I feel horrible for thinking that way. Like the other day, when I was looking at pictures online of some people that I had gone to school with, who were out and about with their siblings... I don't have a "normal" sibling relationship. I don't just hang out with my sister at the mall or something because she's not really seventeen. She's intellectually about a seven- or eight-year-old, which means that even though she's a big help and can run to a grocery store with me, I can't really have a conversation with her or hang out with her like other girls my age hang out with their teenage sisters. Normally I don't think anything of it, but sometimes it bugs me that I can't be like other big sisters. And so all of this madness in my head over the past few days kind of boiled over this morning and put me in a horrible mood.
Do I feel bad that I was rude to everyone this morning? Of course. Do I wish I could take it back? Absolutely. It was bad timing with it being Valentine's Day, but then part of me feels like Valentine's Day doesn't even matter anyway, so who cares? It just happened to be February 14th when I had a bad day, and there's nothing I can do about that.
Everyone has a bad day once in a while, and it's awful when that bad day negatively impacts your family. I feel like I needed this bad day, and now it's coming to a close. I plan on having a really good day tomorrow, because even if everyone else still needs time to get over their anger toward me, I can at least show them that I'm truly sorry for my actions this morning.
So once again, because I know that my parents read my blog posts, I'm sorry Mom and Dad. Sometimes I don't know how to control my anger, and I really need to work on that. Happy Valentine's Day, and I love you both.
I hope that everyone else had a better Valentine's Day, but it's important to remember that you should be showing your loved ones that you care every day, not just on February 14th. I know that my relationship with my family members overall makes up for having a bad day once in a while. Even if they're angry at my actions, they know that I still love them, and I know that they still love me. You don't need a holiday to show people that you care.
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